I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
