When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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