dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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