drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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