I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
