i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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