I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.