I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i have herpe
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo