cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
