Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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