The maid of honor just puked.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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