Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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