I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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