Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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