my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
