he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
