oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im six kinds of drunk right now
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
