my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
