I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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