I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.