just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize