That's when you crack a 10am beer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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