I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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