HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
