so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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