just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
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Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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