He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol