his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
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It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios