Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"