i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.