Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
