Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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