3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
