i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
