i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
