I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize