Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.