I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave