I should be sponsored by Trojan
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
