I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
