somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
