Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
