My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
