Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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