U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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