the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
