TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
