yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
