you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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