Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out