Don't make out with my wife yet
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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