Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
