Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
