Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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